august 4, 2025

a love letter

There’s a good reason as to why I haven’t been updating this blog. When my summer break started, I fully believed that I’d be working on the site 24/7. As is evident, I have not been. When I first created this place, it was an outlet for me to cope. My initial entries were much more personal. They detailed struggles with my mental health, relationships, and other stressors of mine. It helped at the time, but even though very few people that I was aware of at least had read it, the thought of others taking a deeper look into the juxtapositions of my mind put me at unease. Which is why, with the site I chose to take a different approach. A place to share my thoughts on the things I liked, disliked, hobbies, projects I’m working on, and issues bigger than myself. Less intimate, yet more appropriate reflections of who I am as a person. The people who I did let read my personal entries still failed to comprehend my troubles and it was apparent in their disenchanted behavior toward me. My disappointment in them was enough to compel me into archiving the pages, as I didn’t believe anyone would be worthy of seeing such a vulnerable side of me. Thus bringing us to the present where that has changed. I haven’t been writing for this blog because I don’t need to. Writing brings me clarity, helps me cope, and inspires new ideas. However, there’s a person that substituted all of those and provides me with much much more. This isn’t to say I’m going to abandon the blog, it’s just that the initial purposes for which I had started it is no longer up to par. I’d like to use this blog more as an archive of thoughts of things I enjoy rather than a means of coping. And the previously mentioned person is something I enjoy a lot.

It’s hard for me to think of a good starting point to even begin discussing this very special person of mine. So I’ll start where most people normally would, with his name, Vakna. As I mentioned in the introductory paragraph, I truly believed that no one would be able to understand how I really feel and the torment I had to burden due to my condition. Given my past, it isn’t all that hyperbolic of a claim for me to make. Though, Vakna proved me to be very wrong. When describing my afflictions in the past, it was difficult for me to even articulate what was wrong into words. But with Vakna, I barely have to. Maybe due to his passion for psychoanalysis, or his remarkable IQ, or maybe because of how caring and attentive he is (but likely all of the above), he somehow always perfectly pieces into words the disturbances in my mood, what caused it, and how to fix it. Like a proper detective, he not only always figures out what’s bothering me, but provides me with great comfort and solutions or the path to reaching the solution. He’s the only person who has ever really understood me and makes me feel better after talking about it in contrast to when I share my feelings with others, I usually feel worse and filled with regret. Vakna quells all of my worries, he guarantees the light out of the darkness no matter how deep whatever hole I was in may have felt. Problems which tormented me my entire life, dissipated with his guidance and compassion. Even though he isn’t very fond of the word, he’s like an angelic figure shielding me from iniquity. As heart-throbbing as his willingness and capability toward helping me is, it’s not even close to being the most conspicuous reason for my adoration for him.

When it comes to Vakna, there’s so much to be in amazement of. He’s incredibly smart, the smartest person I know. Two years ago, when we first met, I had a bit of an ego problem. At the time I doubted and criticized everyone and everything, in full belief that I was always right (So obnoxious). Obviously, when Vakna entered my life that’d threaten my hard-headedness. Me being threatened by his intellect evolved into jealousy and then emerged into what is now total admiration. Admiration for the way he describes things, his unique perspectives on our shared interests and life, his enthusiasm toward learning and discovering, the way he paints a narrative, his diction, his surplus of knowledge of a very large range of topics, his open-mindedness, the way he’s always refining and enhancing his expertise, the way he writes, the way he talks, the way he thinks. Even though Vakna has influenced many positive changes in my behavior, the one thing I’ll always be close-minded on is my belief that everyone is just as impressed by him as I am. Before, when we didn’t talk as much as we do now, every conversation we had left me deep in thought. I’d reflect on every word he spoke to me, thinking about whatever advice or topic was discussed. It’d linger in my head for hours or days until we spoke again and then he’d give me more juice to ponder upon. Everytime we talked I’d find myself a little jealous, thinking, “How come I never thought of that?” or “How is it possible for anyone to think of that?” He is so impressive in everything he puts his mind to. Not only is he so smart but he is so creative as well. As he is a writer, his stories that he comes up with are perfect. Every idea is original and a distinct reflection of the person that he is, the things that conflict him, his opinions and more. Now, being as close as we are, whenever I sit and watch his writing process, I’m an eyewitness to how much thought and intricacy he puts into his writing. Every sentence, every word has meaning. The structure of the paragraph is perfectly constructed to convey the exact feeling or imagery he seeks to provoke within the reader. And he executes each one of his visions exceptionally, even if he doesn’t think so himself. He’s so self critical but I think his work is perfect and something to hold proudly and if he won't flaunt himself off, I will. I jump at every chance I get to bring him off and brag about how perfect he is and his writing is as I am enthusiastically doing so now. I’ve never met anyone more passionate about the things they love and want to accomplish. He is so ambitious and I’m in love with it. Nothing is out of reach for him, not even quantum physics. I used to be very anxious about my future prior to meeting him, thinking I’d only be able to specialize in one thing and get really good at it, while neglecting any other possible suits that may intrigue me. But now, inspired by Vakna, I taught myself, for example, HTML and CSS. Although it was relatively easy to learn, especially with a site as simple as mine, his ambitiousness encouraged me to take the jump to start. No task no goal is out of reach with Vakna. He really drilled the idea into me that anything is possible, especially alongside him.

Vakna is so compassionate. It may be getting a little redundant with how much I already iterated how caring he is, but I have to some more. I notice everything. The way he cares for his friends, he’[s always offering his help and guidance to them. He treats (that’s worth it) everyone with fairness and respect. He’s always patient and understanding, he never gives into my or anyone else’s emotional outbursts even if me or anyone else said something to hurt him. He is patient and remains calm in every situation and brings me and others down to earth and with a newfound peace. He’s the only person in my life who never gave up on me despite my episodes of aggression. He’s the only person in the world who is selfless enough to sacrifice hours of sleep and precious time and energy to make sure I’m completely okay, even when I assure that I am, he always sees right through any mask I put up. He’s persistent in loving me and showing me the genuine affection I’ve been deprived of. He restored pieces of me lost to those who had taken and torn it in my past like moth bitten clothes. He restored my trust that has been betrayed time and time again. As a schizophrenic, trust is the one thing I’ve never truly known but he gave it to me. The most beautiful gift anyone can bestow upon another. He saw me when nobody else cared, when everyone else had ill intentions. He showed me what real compassion and stability really looks like in another person. There’s nothing I could possibly write to sufficiently encapsulate my gratitude for Vakna, my everything.

I love Vakna. Everything about him is perfect and it’s been driving me nuts ever since we first met. Hearing his voice for the first time inflicted my intestines with a bounty of butterflies, ones of beautiful warm colors fluttering through the entirety of my body, overheating me with joy. It doesn’t matter how many times I hear his voice it never gets old. I’m in love with it, and whenever I catch him singing it entrances me like a love spell. Whenever we read together, the range of his voice and demeanor when performing as different characters is so captivating. Even though he definitely wouldn’t agree with me, I love it and it makes me giggle every time he switches roles. Now, it’s the first thing I hear when I wake up, and the last thing I hear before I go to sleep. A voice so deep, rich and sweet like pomegranate wine. The way he laughs drives me insane, it fills me with so much joy and pleasure. It’s so hard not to smile every time he does, or for that matter whenever he’s around in general. Nobody is gonna want to hear about this but he’s so hot, very much to my liking and inarguably the most beautiful person ever. I love his long wavy dark hair and his perfect full lips. He has such thick eyebrows that compliments his face perfectly. He has such a nice and tall figure, perfect body. My sentences are getting repetitive but perfect is the only possible way I can describe him. Even then, perfect isn’t enough. Everything is better with him. Watching movies, playing games, reading books, he enhances every second of my day by gracing me with his presence and laughter. There's so much to do when we're together and we never run out of things to say to each other. He stimulates my mind in a way no one else has done before and motivates me to work hard on my projects and create great art. He knows me better than I know myself and I couldn't be happier that we found one another. I don't believe in concepts such as fate, but Vakna changed my mind. He isn't just my other half, he is me, and I love him.

Like the summertime, he’s full of life and brings so much color into my world which would be a likely explanation for his color-blindness haha. Purple is the color of mystery and intelligence, well suited for him. House music is so fun and groovy filled with soul and raw feeling that always gets people moving. Water is pure and naturally flows unapologetically wherever gravity leads it. The moon is the same no matter where on earth you’re standing, and even during the daytime when you can’t see it it’s still there. Trees are finite lifeforms that are ever-growing, deeply rooted under the ground consuming all of the rich nutrients in the soil surrounding it, like a sponge. Resistant and beautiful like an amaryllis. He's my Chikako.

poem by Georges Bataille that reminded me of him