april 23, 2025
entry#0.5
9:34 AM: not feeling that great or sure as to what im doing. relationships when youre a lunatic are so complicated, remembering again why i stopped getting involved emotionally with other people. it felt good for a while diving into a new ecosystem of unique contrasting personalities, though ive had my share. it seems i can only retain my good health when i stick to communicating with people one on one. im really social, just not in that way. disgusting thoughts of attachment and possesion are stirring, i almost let myself believe i wasnt an outsider. to most, this perspective sounds crude. but my previous way of life in quasi-isolation begets peace(for me). for a moment i wasnt performing a person, i am now. its hard when you're schizophrenic. a lucid life is possible as long as i'm abdiing my self-ordained routine. i broke the rules for a little bit. an invaluable experience, a reminder that i'm not the same as everyone else.
it isn't impossible for me to sustain relationships. especially frivolous ones. it's just dicey for me to get involved to the point where there's stakes at hand. a new friend who i've grown to cherish despite our brief time knowing one another suggested an assurance of love. it's a little funny to want something you know that you cant have. i like her and the few people i do speak to. paranoia is a relentless thing.
so here's my (to be discarded) schizophrenia survival guide:
first and foremost, if you're schizophrenic the last thing you want is to be around distrusting people. for me, having too many people in my bubble pollutes my thoughts with dread and suspicion. however there is a solution, by keeping interactions casual i can divert my unease. it's also good for me to minimize my friendships to only responding when they reach out to me first. this way, you avoid becoming paranoid as to why they aren't responding. but it is very good to have 1-3 close friends or a best friend who is aware of your condition and will support you patiently. total isolation may be desirable, yet in the long run it's detrimental. being schizophrenic your delusions will build up and depending on your level of self awareness you won't be able to assess whether or not they're real. this is especially troubling for me as i'm burdened with bipolar disorder (very typical) as well. the longer these feelings are pent-up, the more eruptive the explosion will be. also, this isn't just limitted to people. but by avoiding high stress situations and practicing mindfulness(or whatever they call it) you can discourage a lot of your symptoms from taking a mass toll and escalating beyond what they need to be. because this condition is something something about chemical imbalances in your brain and dopamine and like serotonin and stuff. apparently estrogen has a factor in it too, i'll research more and get back to you with that one.
the second most important thing is to have is a scale for assessing your grasp on reality. this is vital as i've managed to prevent falling into psychosis on multiple occasions. a simple, 1-10 scaling with short phrases. exempli gratia, "i mostly understand my reality" or "i feel perfectly normal" and it helps to have a list of your reoccuring symptoms or to make note of any senses that occur prior to hallucinating or entering an episode. a minor flaw with this technique is 0 and 10 can be identical as if you're at a 10 in your psychotic symptoms, you won't realize that any abnormalities aren't real. this brings us to our previous roadblock regarding friends, not everyone has a credible support system which is why professional help is strong encouraged in my *not so proficient* living with schizophrenia guide. but it helps me, sort of.
the last tip in my botched guidebook is the power of gaslighting. if you just tell yourself that you're fine and you're normal and you seriously try to pretend that you are, eventually acting starts to bleed into reality. there's been many instances in which i just started lying to myself and pretending my hallucinations and delusions didn't exist. hallucinations are by far easier than delusions and paranoia, because it's hard to lie to yourself when your mind is already telling you otherwise. but through consistency you'll be able to integrate these habits into your daily life and they'll become like second-nature!
so yeah some other minor tips are like you should probably stay away from substances. or know what substances will make you tick and be mindful as to what sets you off in an unpleasant way. and whenever i feel bad i like watching videos and soap opera's have a tendency of grounding myself back to earth. unfiltered melodrama can change your life, isn't that jarring? thanks for reading
really into alexander the great lately. wish i could apply this information to something of relevance, he's a very interesting guy.
i dont like feeling how i did earlier, and the other night. falling into bad habits i thought i rid myself of. i dont think they ever really leave. it's an incessant battle between my vices and i. situations like this really takes a lot out of a girl. i like obscurity. wishing that "Paradise" will take me far away. feeling incompetent, i need to work on something. my addiction to comparison is killing me. who decided that the proper side to write on a piece of paper is for the hole punches to allign to the left. i wouldve strived in alexandria, egypt 330 BCE.
started playing rainbow six siege again with some friends i made off of twitter 2 years ago. crazy how things like this happens. i spent 5 dollars on it last night.
1:01 PM: unsure if i feel better. having a lot of friends again would be nice but we're just not compatible. i feel good in tight-knit circles. tired of perceiving any new-thing or one as a threat to my existence. broke my unrecorded-record for my essay writing time, took about 15 or 20 minutes to write 5 paragraphs analyzing some article for school. didn't think it was that good but i hit all the boxes. do you still consider it a crush if it's reciprocrated? romance makes me feel weak. it's counter-productive but i cant help my feelings. a lot to think about. it's a little embarrassing to think about it. these thoughts just feel so trivial in contrast to the height of my feelings. i miss being completely alone. communinity is nice.
i want to make a page for all of the little things i like, like scents and flavors. did you know i really like vanilla? dark chocolate is my favorite and milk chocolate makes me sick. almond milk is a blessed delicacy, i used to make my own. a spoon or two of brown sugar, a hintttt of vanilla extract with a pinch of cinammon and salt is the trick toward making the best almond milk. and if it wasn't obvious enough, you blend almonds with water then strain the excess pulp of the almond. but you can use the almond residue-mush as an almond butter or granola to put on bread or in a yogurt bowl. it's a very cheap and simple alternative to store-bought almond milk and free of preservatives and anything you wouldn't want to put in your body. unsweetened almond milk is a delight as well, when i buy from the store i always get the sugar free with protein.
simply almond milk this used to be my favorite brand before it was discontinued around 2021. my previously mentioned formula replicates the taste as closely as my tongue remembers.
i like silk as a brand too. almond breeze however, is disgustingly sweet. the unsweetened original is the sweetest drink ive ever tasted in my entire life and i've analyzed the nutrition labels and i can't figure out how they got it to taste like that with 0g of sugar!? i dont trust it, it tastes artifiical. but in short: i reccommend making your own almond milk. it's cost efficient, healthier for you, and you're in full control of the sugar/flavor/water/almond ratio. making your own almond milk allows you to customize your drink to the fullest of your taste preferences.
going to school is pretty nice, gives me something to do. its late into the day now. my head is pounding at an intensity i've yet to experience before. had a conversation with my friend. think im backsliding tonight. very ironic that i look at bandages and first aid utensils with the intention to self inflict to use them on. this type of thing is ignorant. gonna smoke a cigarette, it's been a while. if my transient disdain for life doesn't interupt me and my ambitions, i'll make a favicon and share some projects i've been working on. i'll be sure to archive the first 2 posts as well. i didn't know this cyber-corner would turn out to be my diary. my friend is always right. he told me to bother him more, i said i cant i'm annoying. wish i had more women in my life. i've been talking to more of them lately, it's a nice change of pace. i feel disconnected with my gender. this isn't a surprise because when people ask i tell them i'm non-binary. but i don't think i've ever experienced any type of "sisterhood" in my life. it's hard for me to connect with girls i wonder why is that. i sort of feel like i taint others with an invisible poison i carry, inciting distress and conflict. it'd be good for me to be locked away. i'd be ok. the less people i unintentionally pollute with my disease the better. none of my relations have ever ended that well honestly. i always love to pin the blame on myself but after long and hard assessment, most of which i weren't at fault, or at least not entirely. i'd say i'm unlucky and attract unfortunate people, but im still a teenager, and with the exception of the nauseating few(maybe an understatment), the people i were involved with were too. we're all ignorant. what's the point in pointing fingers? i thought it'd make me feel better knowing i'm not in the wrong, but instead i feel indifferent. reminiscing on my former troubles is time wasted. i already understand what happened, it's kind of like revisiting a porno over and over. and don't let that allegory suggest that pornography isn't pointless the first time around, because it is.
not many people if any at all will see this and that's what i like. it helps me break out of my sharp fear of embarrassment. i think a lot about if other people wonder about being embarrassed as much as i do. i'm insecure about all of my actions and the things i say and do. i already know where it comes from though. MY embarrassment at least stems from my lust for perfection and to be seen as such. a burden placed on me as a young child to be the best, so it's embarrassing to be anything less tthan perfect. but i want to grow to accept my shortcomings and learn that a failure is not be-all end-all. my imperfections are debilitating, people recognizing them is detrimental. it's not good to be raised on conditional love. i need to be more selfish but less self-centered
the weather in virginia has been good lately. a little too hot during the daytime for my tastes, but perfect at night. today was a day yet the night is still young